Closed captions provided by softitler
Hey, everybody! It's bob and david!
Hey, hey, hey!
All right! Hey, welcome to mr. Show, everybody,
We got a great one tonight. It's got a lot of heart and you're going to love it.
Love it? You're going to like it!
All right, david! Hey, you know what time it is, right?
That's right, bob! It's time for the mr. Show
Viewer hate mail.
That's right! Viewer hate mail!
Now get the old hate mail bag out...
See what we got in there, david.
Knock me out, lay it on me!
Some hate mail in there, huh?
David, what did we get? Come on!
We didn't get anything, did we?
Fuck!
All right, you know what this means.
It's time for the mr. Show cracker barrel.
Hoo-Hoo!
Whoo! Ahh!
Ho!
Ha-Ha! Well, the rainbow gang's here.
So bob, rumor has it
Naomi sue is gonna be taking you to the big ole prom, there.
Enough of the joshin', guys.
Let's talk serious-Like for a minute.
Right.
Bob, did you know that in the early 1800s
It was legal for white people to enslave african-Americans?
But then, abraham lincoln, a white man, set them free.
Yeah,
And david and i believe that it's never too late
For us to say to our african-American brothers and sisters,
you're welcome!
* hey, you're welcome
* hey, don't mention it
* use that freedom in any way you like *
* 'cause you're not slaves no more *
* don't have to behave no more *
* but we sure hope you do
* you're welcome to
* yoobie doobie doobie doobie dooo *
You're welcome.
Now, uh, david,
David, you had somethin' stickin' in your craw.
Yeah, you know, bob, i was out catchin' razzleberries with my granpapa
And...
You know, it struck me kinda queer
How this country used to be owned by the red man.
That's right. We took it from him.
But he didn't give it up without a long, bloody fight.
Mmm-Hmm.
Don't you think it's time we colonists
Came down off our high horse and said,
we forgive you.
* injuns, redskins
* vanishin' americans
* call yourselves what you will *
* we forgive you
* and we'll give you
* our smiles for miles and miles *
* blame it on firewater
* when you murdered our daughters *
* now we'll turn our heads
* and pretend it never was true *
* we forgive you we forgive you we forgive you *
And "how"!
Yes.
We certainly do.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Now, david, i was over at the country store, down by the crick,
And, hey, aren't midgets great?
I don't hate 'em.
Sure, they're-
* better than people
* because you're so slight
* we're not so great
* 'cause we're of normal height *
* we wish we were like you
* so crazily small
* instead of what we are
* so wonderfully tall
* wonderfully tall *
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you all. All right.
Hey, man, that oughtta do it.
David, we're gonna get so much hate mail!
Really? You think so?
Oh yeah! Those songs will insult everyone!
We're gonna be swimmin' in hate, man!
Hey, we got one!
"Dear mr. Show, i really love you guys.
"Oh boy, you're really funny
"And i especially love your songs. "
I can't believe this!
"it reflects such an enlightened attitude.
"please keep up the good work.
"Signed, your hugest fan,
"Sharwood lish.
"X-O-X-O-X-O.
Smiley face!"
There, that ought to show them.
What?
Mr. Lish, uh, some more boxes of that cereal that you like.
I hate that cereal!
I wrote them an angry letter and said,
"There's nothing i'd love more than tons of your cereal. "
Tsk.
Oh, sharwood,
I got your letter!
I can't live without you either!
You're right, we are perfect for each other!
And i hope you never die
In a horrible car wreck, either.
Learn how to read!
ladies, has this happened too often to you?
Then come to the tri-State globo-Dome
For marriage-Con and boat show '97!
Ladies, you can't lose!
Over 2 miles of boats
And you will be married, or your money back!
Featuring dr. Ayatollah khoella,
Author or the rules.
This woman will find a mate,
This woman will be dead by sundown,
If you follow the rules!
Syndicated radio host, dr. Lana.
Men are stupid. Ta-Da.
Women are stupider.
Ok? But we have to get married.
I did it, now it's your turn.
Get in line.
Get in line, you dumb bitch!
see rudd myers' new water-Resistant starfish
And get wet in our wild water tank!
Meet kalahari bushman marriage arranger, dr. Nu!Ugtanni.
So, i should marry her?
So, i should marry her.
So, come see the new floatman 3000!
And meet dr. Ayatollah khoella!
It's all happening this weekend at the tri-State globo-Dome!
You have no excuse for not being married
Or owning a boat.
The tri-State globo-Dome, located on route 83,
In the middle of the dome mile,
Over a mile of domes.
Between the epi-Dome, the sphere-O-Sphere,
And patty's donuts, and right behind the biosphere.
And remember, don't bother the scientists at the biosphere.
Please, i urge you and your family to leave us alone.
The scientists here are very busy.
carl! Come join us.
Hey, everybody. I want to propose a toast
To our first new year's here in the biosphere.
cheers! Cheers!
And remember, everyone, we're gonna meet at the top
Of the observarium in sector 3 tonight for a party at midnight!
That means leave your work at your stations.
Carl, you leave your soil here in the dirt.
Lyle, tonight we're the animals, you study us.
Dr. Shaddock, do me a favor and, uh,
Don't bring your pants, i mean plants.
How 'bout the women don't wear any pants?
Dr. Hublee, c-Can i talk to you for a second?
Sure. What is it?
S- So how's it goin'?
S- So it's new year's.
Yeah.
So, i was wondering if you don't already have other pants, i mean plans...
Remember from before?
Uh...
So, i was wondering if you'd wanna, uh,
Report as my date for new year's.
Oh, no. Thanks, though, no.
Oh, you're not goin'? That's too bad,
'Cause we're all gonna be having fun partying-
No, i'm-I'm gonna go with dr. Kaplan,
In soil samples. He's that guy with that-
Yeah, i know. I know who he is.
Well, him.
Ok.
Whatever.
Oh, hey, mr. Peeps.
Oh, she doesn't get me.
Really?
I wish i was like you, you're so smooth.
Oh yeah! That's a great idea!
I guess that why you're the bird.
All right, dr. Shaddock, please report to the laboratory.
Code red.
What? What is it?
You look awesome.
What did you want?
Uh...
I was just wondering if, you know,
That, if you'd want to go up to the canyon with me for new year's eve tonight.
No, i promised dr. Barlow i would sleep with him tonight.
Well, what if you slept with me after?
No.
This is not a toy.
Oh, mr. Peeps, it didn't work.
Oh, hey, chippers.
What?
Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, you're a squirrel.
You're right, you're right, that's-That's a great idea.
Yes. Ok.
Uh, dr. - Dr. Ballance, please report to the laboratory.
Yes, doctor.
Laura, hi, um, i know we've had our moments
Where we haven't exactly gotten along-
Doctor, you make me very uncomfortable.
Ok.
What is it, doctor? I have to get ready for my new year's eve date.
With who? Carl's gay, there's no one left.
I'm getting together with dr. Barlow tonight.
Oh really, well, i'm sorry,
I - I've got bad news and i hate to break it to you, but, um,
You know, he's sleeping with dr. Shaddock so-
I know.
I'm joining them later for a threesome thing.
But what about me?
It's a threesome.
Oh, hey timothy.
It's no use.
What?
Carl? No, he's gay.
I'm not gay.
I'm not.
I'm just shy.
* oh, the birds have other birds *
* and the bees have other bees *
* but i don't have
* another one of me *
Heads up!
Oh!
Hello, lyle!
Wow, my fairy godmother!
No, i'm your step-Fairy godmother.
Your real fairy godmother is in a coma.
Oh!
But-But you've come to make sweet, sweet love to me?
no.
I'm here to help you. Your wish is granted.
You shan't be alone tonight!
Watch your backs!
Whoa. Wh-Whoa!
This is so wrong, yet so right!
in celebration of the biosphere experiment,
Which has yielded one new species,
We present our new flavor of benjamin, gerard and associates ice cream,
Humanimal cracker crunch.
I'm howard benjamin.
And i'm frank gerard iii.
We started our ice cream company with a simple theory:
There's money to be made in ice cream.
Like this new flavor, rock 'n' roll double chunk.
It's got chocolate in it, and we think if people like rock 'n' roll music,
They'll like this, 'cause it says "rock 'n' roll" on it.
It's available at all of our office-Themed ice cream parlors.
Sit at a desk and enjoy some ice cream.
But don't answer the phones. The phones are real.
And in celebration of the last living american indian,
We're offering this new flavor, last indian doodlesnicker.
he sits stoically.
The sole descendent of a race that once numbered in the millions.
He is chief ben proudfeather,
Part lackawahanna, part cherokoi, and all last indian.
Born in 1895,
He is now 103 years of age.
His eyesight is failing, his body is weak.
His people once collectively shared
Over 800 million acres in north america.
After "the great deal of 1789,"
The indians were freed of a significant portion of land.
"The bargain of the century," of 1846,
Gave way to "the less is more" charter,
Which preceded "the doozy act" of 1902.
Now, 60 acres is all that remains,
And they sit in the frail hands of an old man.
Government agents have kept watch over ben for the past several years,
Some would say, like vultures.
no, well. We hear that all the time.
We're not waiting for a man to die.
We're here to watch a man live.
Old man.
An old indian man.
ben has taken it upon himself to write down his memories,
All that he can recall of a rich and storied life.
This is, uh, from volume 1 of his memoirs, chapter 2.
"There was something about snakes.
"The indians danced.
"I seem to recall a man in a hat.
I think that movie was called billy jack. "
chief proudfeather lived a solitary life.
He now feels a sense of moral obligation
In continuing his genealogy.
"Single, straight, last native american indian
"Seeks any female for fun and procreation as soon as possible.
"Enjoys food, slow, short walks,
"Aging, wolves, peyote.
"Hate cowboys.
"Eyesight poor, please send large picture.
No fatties. "
For years, ben oversaw the reservation's lucrative casino,
And today, oversees what's left.
Tourists stop by, if it's on their way.
Chief ben proudfeather,
He'll be dead soon, and that'll be that.
Because that's death. It's the end.
Believe me, man, i know. I've been there.
Vietnam, 1967.
I spent 2 months on my belly in the in the quang tho valley
Eatin' dirt and shittin' freedom!
Huh, man, that indian ain't got nothin' on me!
I fuckin' saw god, jack! And i laughed in his fuckin' face!
Ok, man. 3 more clicks to go,
We hit the river, we're home free.
All right. Be careful, looks like sniper country down there.
Yeah. You ready?
Let's do it.
Shit!
He got me, man.
I'm not gonna leave you here, joe.
I know that! I didn't think you were!
I mean, i'm not gonna let you die here, man.
No shit! What do you want, a fuckin' medal?
I'm just saying, you can count on me, joe.
What are you getting at?
You are gonna leave me, aren't you?
Shh, keep you voice down. They'll hear us.
Ok, i don't wanna get shot in the gut!
Ok, man, go on. Don't forget to write to me,
Care of vietnamese grave!
I'm not leavin' you, goddamn it!
Yeah, right. I'm not.
Let's just agree to disagree.
Jesus.
Oh, fuck it.
I'll do this on my own.
God!
Ow!
Shh!
Ow!
All right, all right.
I'm gonna stay here with you, so get down.
Look, don't lead me on, man.
I know this is about those goddamn peaches.
What peaches?
I'm sorry i hogged the whole can!
Joe, i forgot about those peaches, man.
It's just that you said you were allergic to the syrup, or somethin',
I can't remember.
Listen, it's not important.
I'm gonna go out there and scout around, ok?
Ok.
Hey, by "scout around", you mean you're gonna
Leave and never come back?
Or are you gonna look around first,
And then leave and never come back?
No, don't worry, i'll be careful!
What do you mean, you'll be careful?
I just mean, you know, i'll be more careful than,
You know, you were.
Are you done?
Yeah. What?
I'm just tryin' to find the words - Oh yeah, fuck you!
Fuck me? Fuck you!
You know, you're a goddamn baby. You know, goodbye!
And stay right here, i'll be right back!
Ow!
Ha, ha, ha!
You are a dying asshole!
There's no way i'm gonna stay here and die next to you.
Neither am i.
that is a clip from hell in a handbasket,
Uh, opening on, uh,
December 15th, all across this great country.
Is, uh, is that correct, mr. Stewart?
Uh, yes. Uh, i felt it was time again for a vietnam message.
And, uh...
Well, i've always wanted to work with todd sperles ever since i saw him in tap daddy,
Uh, on broadway.
tonight, on night talk with the senate subcommittee,
It's actor-Writer, john stewart,
A surprise visit from hot college comic,
Blueberry head!
Now, uh, mr. Blueberry head, uh,
I'm, uh, led to believe that you have a, uh, prop,
That you wanna show us?
yeah!
This is for when y'all wanna pass gas!
Uh-Huh. Thank you.
And senator howell tankerbell
Gives it to the band.
Michael. Michael, are you havin' a good day?
Oh boy, here it comes. Uh, yes sir, senator.
Well, michael, it occurs to me that, uh,
Your jacket leads me to believe that, uh,
Somewhere in this great country of ours,
There's an el camino with it's seat cover missing.
And another visit from the senate sub-Babies.
That's the high jinks on night talk!
we now return to the tri-State globo-Dome
For an all-Star salute to the last indian.
Once again, here's your host,
From T.V.'s entertainment junction,
Liza phleen and phil jenglin.
Liza, what a night we've had so far!
Simply everyone is stopping in
To say goodbye to the last indian.
Blueberry head was just out here, left a mess.
Don rickles, tanya tucker.
Gregory hines, the rap group the fuck ups.
The ozark mountain daredevils, the chinese acrobats.
It has just been one wonderful night
For the one wonderful indian.
Yeah. How you doin' there, chief? You holdin' up?
I think he's tryin' to figure out
Some of those props blueberry head had out here.
College favorite!
Before we get to the university of kentucky wildcat cheerleaders,
Last indian, you're gonna love this next act,
They're from the united states.
les balloons sportifs!
what a wonderful night this has been
For me and my people.
Blueberry head's props were as funny as
Bear cubs slipping in stream.
Don rickles' barbs stung like thorns of blackberry bush,
But its fruit was sweet upon my lips.
Burt reynolds still looks good.
Happy birthday to erik estrada.
Lookin' good, ponch.
My early oscar pick this year,
Hell in a handbasket.
Kudos to chef jeremy at la strada,
For his amazing desserts.
Was that john travolta with nina ricci at the staccato club?
Me think so.
Ciao for now, darlings!
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